What now? the theme song to Jillian’s life

Hello readers!

So it’s been three months since I came back from Wales. Let me just say that this has been the hardest transition for me. There was that year between finishing my Bachelor’s Degree and going to Wales that I thought I’d never get past. That year was kind of a personal hell for me. But this time around, I find myself in more personal pain than before. I’m not sure if you guys are aware, but I went to Wales for a year to get my Master’s Degree. Since returning, I’m slowly sinking into a small depression.

What now? Will my life ever be as exciting as it was when I was abroad?

These questions haunt me every day. I wake up and remember what it was like to be in another country and feel like I belonged. Then I look in the mirror and say to myself, “what now?” If there is a theme to my life, that would be it. There are friends I’ve met along the way, so far, who I would not want to disappoint. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing as some people might think. I want to hold myself to the standard that people believe I can be.

I haven’t felt compelled to write so much these past weeks and that’s really bothering me. I make excuses of why I’m not writing and every time sets me back. I’ve realised that everyone is different in their own way and that is the same with writing. Some people can come up with an entire short story in a month, but I can’t. I take months and maybe even years to come up with something that is even remotely ready for someone else’s eyes. The words get clogged up in my brain and I can’t find a way to get them out.

One thing that I have noticed about myself is that I am good with creative non fiction. So memoir writing is something that I do good in. While I love reading fiction, writing it doesn’t come second nature to me. Lengthy descriptions aren’t in my writing style. I’m sure that comes as no surprise that I can tell a better story when it is about my life and the people around me than a world that is completely fictional. Every time I write, I imagine the reader reading it in my squeaky voice and that sets me back. When I read other people’s work, it sounds more sophisticated and poise. Mine just sounds like someone’s dumb diary. And yes, I know there’s an entire series called “My Dumb Diary.” I work at a bookstore. I follow these weird book trends.

Yes, I have a seasonal job at Barnes and Noble. Plus, I work some extra hours at a movie theatre. Not the one I used to work at, but one a few miles down. I will say this. I’m mediocre in customer service. I always feel like I’m somehow doing something wrong and that brings my self esteem down. That’s why I’ve been really trying for a job in the publishing field. Yes, I know it is a customer service job, but it has so much more than just selling the product. I want to be able to edit and have a say in the books being published.

I started writing this blog thinking I was going to put in some great advice about not giving up on one’s dreams, but it just ended up a sob piece about my feelings. I know that I shouldn’t compare myself to others and that everything will happen in time. I’m not stupid and I’ve worked really hard to get to this point. I shouldn’t be down on myself all the time.

I really wanted my other blog to thrive, but so far, I can’t find the energy or motivation to write anything in it. I know the next post will most likely be about Heartless by Marissa Meyer. Please, go check out my other blog: http://www.timeywimeybooks.wordpress.com.


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