Weekly update 4: 6 books this week and a booktag!

Hey there readers! It’s weekly update time! So most of the time when I start a blog post, I go right into the book updates. But to get my writing juices flowing, I’m going to start with a tag! I love tags!

This is the opposite tag!

First book in your collection/Last book you bought.

I really don’t remember all that way back. But I’ll talk about the first book I bought here in Cardiff. It was actually “Carry On” by Rainbow Rowell. I walked into Waterstones for the first time and guess what book just came out that day?! Seriously, I did not even know it was the book’s release day!

The last book I bought was Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Definitely a great read. Will get to the book review once I get the motivation to do it.

A cheap book/An expensive book.

Well I grabbed “Jane Eyre”, “The Book Thief”, and “Dracula” for a pound. They were used copies and I got them for donating to this magazine.

The most expensive book I have on my shelf is “Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief”. I got the anniversary edition and it was about $25. It’s on my shelf back home, but still.

A book with a male protagonist/One with a female protagonist.

Male: Magnus Chase by Rick Riordan. Definitely one of my favorite of his series. The entire series is not out but I can tell I will love it.

Female: Queen of the Tearling by Erika Johanson.

A book you read fast/One that took you long to read.

I read Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead probably the quickest. It was really engaging to read and still one of my favorite series.

Game. Of. Friggin’. Thrones took me so long! I finally finished the fifth book last October and I am so relieved.

Pretty cover/Ugly cover.

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All of these were super gorgeous.

I don’t have a pick for ugly cover. I guess if I catch one, I’ll show you guys later.

A national book/An international book.

Not sure what this means, but I’ll go for an American setting vs. a foreign setting.

American: Mosquitoland by David Arnold I think this goes well with a national book, because it’s about a road trip around America.

Foreign: I Saw a Man by Owen Sheers.There will be a review coming up, so wait for that.

A thin book/A thick book.

Thin book: Soundless by Richelle Mead. I was a bit disappointed by how short that book was. But I definitely recommend this book.

Thick book: A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J. Maas I don’t know how many times I have to recommend this book till EVERYONE reads it. I loved it so much I have to brag about it to all of my friends.

Fiction book/Non-fiction book.

Fiction: Lady Midnight by Cassandra Clare. Definitely the best Cassandra Clare book so far. Her writing has improved so much over the years. I’m hesitant to say it’s my favorite Shadowhunter tale, but it’s getting there. Honestly I can’t wait for the next book in the series.

Non-fiction: I don’t read much non-fiction, but my favorite one I’ve ever read has to be “My Foreign Cities” by Elizabeth Scarboro. It’s about the author’s life with her husband who had Cystic Fibrosis. It was so heart wrenching and when I met the author I just could not help but feel for her. I read it for a class, but I loved the book so much!

Very (way too) romantic book/Action book.

I really don’t do romance, so the closest I’ve gotten to that is A Court of Mist and Fury. Oh the feels!

An action book would have to be the Throne of Glass series by Sarah J. Maas. The next book in the series is coming out soon!!!!

A book that made you happy/One that made you sad.

Happy: The Unexpected Everything by Morgan Matson

Sad: Me Before You by Jojo Moyes

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Not the most amazing answers, but it’s the best I can do.

So this week I’ve read a total of 6 books!

  1. Conjuror by John and Carole Barrowman
  2. Harry Potter and the Cursed Child
  3. Invasion of the Tearling by Erika Johanson
  4. Summer Days and Summer Nights edited by Stephanie Perkins
  5. The Shadow Queen by C.J Redwine
  6. I Saw a Man by Owen Sheers

I’m very impressed with what I’ve read so far. I’m currently reading “All the Light we Cannot See” by Anthony Doerr. I picked it up months ago, but couldn’t get past the first fifty pages. I just didn’t like the changing of the chapters and points of view. I’m still trying to figure out what the characters have to do with each other. Now that I’ve gotten a little further in the book, I’m enjoying it a little bit. But not exactly pleased.

My TBR pile is dwindling down to only four books. I think I can finish the three books next week and then I can focus all of my energy in finally reading “Pride and Prejudice”. I still have “Jane Eyre” and “The Book Thief” to read, but I’m unsure if I want to pick those up. I have to figure out what I’m going to do with all of my books I bought here in Cardiff. I’m going to try to send them all home, but if not, I might just sell some of the ones I didn’t like.

That’s my update so far. Check back with me next week to see if I can successfully finish my TBR pile.

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Book Update 2: Scotland bound and SUMMER!!

Here is another book blog update!!! I’m super excited to announce that I’ll be in Scotland next week!!! If you can imagine, this is something I’ve been wanting to do for some time now. Ever since Sasha Alsberg started me on my Outlander obsession, I’ve wanted to go. Also, Winterfell was shot in Scotland so that was a plus. Definitely check out Sasha’s channel above for everything BookTube related.

I’ve sadly not read much this week. Le GASP!!!

The only book that I was able to pick up at all was “Summer Days and Summer Night” edited by Stephanie Perkins. It’s kind of an anthology of short stories based on summer and love. It’s sort of like the sequel to “My True Love Gave to Me” which was the winter anthology. Wait, would you call it an anthology? I’m not entirely sure.

Poster All you need is love and summer.

I’m only part way through the book and can only really tell you that I am having the same reaction I had for the “My True Love Gave to Me” book. Some of the stories are intriguing, but some of the others aren’t really fun to read. Stephanie Perkins’ short story was a continuation of her short story in the other book. Which I found fun to read. I feel like some of the stories are very slow paced and was a bit of a let down.

SHORT STORIES!!!

I will tell you guys that I’m not a fan of them. I’ve written a short story before and it was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. It was for this short story class I took and I was not a fan. After I handed that one in, I immediately added more to make it into a novel. Which, if you’ve been following my blog from the start, I’ve had several versions of that novel in here. It’s not completely done and I’ve put that one off to the side so I can work on my recent novel.

Anyways, short stories are fun, now and then, but I won’t go out of my way to read them. Throughout my time as an undergraduate, and now a post graduate, in Creative Writing, I’ve had to read several short stories and come up with different exercises for short story writing. They’re fun, but I like the extended pleasure of a novel.

Since I really like doing book tags, I am going to do the UNPOPULAR OPINIONS BOOK TAG!!! I’ve seen this tag go around BookTube and I wanted to participate in it so bad.

1. A Popular Book or series that you didn’t like.

Divergent. The first book was a really good set up, but I just could not get into it. I haven’t even finished the series.
2. A Popular Book or series that every one else seems to hate but you love.

Hmm… I guess the closest one for this question is Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead. Some people didn’t like this one, but I loved it. Seriously, I have reread this series so many times, I’m almost sure I could give you a play by play of everything that happened.
3. A Love Triangle where the main character ended up with the person you did NOT want them to end up with (warn ppl for spoilers) OR an OTP that you don’t like.

This one kind of ends up in the grey area part, but Rowan and Aelin from the Throne of Glass series. I get the hype, but part of me is still hoping for Chaol and Aelin to get together.
4. A popular book Genre that you hardly reach for.

That would have to be Science Fiction. I don’t have anything against the genre, but it’s a little intimidating when I’m not a science fan. Although I am writing a Sci-Fi novel, so I should read more of the genre.
5. A popular or beloved character that you do not like.

Katniss Everdeen. She was such an annoying character and I could never tell what she was feeling exactly. It always seemed like she was playing the victim and that her fame was all due to circumstance.
6. A popular author that you can’t seem to get into.

James Patterson. I read Maximum Ride, the first book and was really put off by his writing style. I tried with another book of his, but could not finish it.
7. A popular book trope that you’re tired of seeing. (examples “lost princess”, corrupt ruler, love triangles, etc.)

The “chosen one” trope. Seriously, it’s too played out. Yeah, Harry Potter was the “chosen one” and then after that everyone wanted to base their characters off of that. Boring.
8. A popular series that you have no interest in reading.

“The Maze Runner” by James Dasher (is that how you spell his name??). Definitely something I would rather not get into. I saw the second movie out of boredom and it was alright, but not enough going on for me to want to pick up the books.
9. The saying goes “The book is always better than the movie”, but what movie or T.V. show adaptation do you prefer more than the book?

I prefer “Perks of Being a Wallflower” over the book, only because it added a lot more depth. I’m not saying that I hated the book. I LOVED the book. It’s just that the movie was so phenomenal within itself that it felt like it surpassed the book a little bit.

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So that was the book tag. I had so much I wanted to say for this update, but it’s all failing me. I will probably be more into writing next week after Scotland. Oh and for anyone interested, I’m going to Edinburgh. I’ll be seeing the city and taking a tour of Loch Ness and the Highlands. I’m going to try to read some of “The Invasion of the Tearling” by Erika Johansen because it feels more Scottish than the other things I have on my TBR pile.

Also, I saw Star Trek: Beyond! Such a great movie! Had me on my toes the whole time. They had a great tribute to Leonard Nimoy. I shed a tear over Checkov since I know we won’t be seeing him in the future. I always saw Checkov as my little baby, so I’m going to be so sad when the next film comes out. Definitely worth the watch.

 

I’ve been accepted to the University of Cardiff (home of Doctor Who!!)

So for those who don’t already know, I’ll be studying in Wales this fall. I have just recently gotten my letter of admittance. I want to express my complete excitement over this amazing opportunity. I will admit that I thought that I wouldn’t get in. I took so long on the application process and was kind of discouraged when it was already April and I hadn’t yet turn in my application. With the help with Study Across the Pond (http://www.studyacrossthepond.com) I was able to submit my application correctly. Although they were not associated with the University of Cardiff, they helped me get the materials I needed to apply.

Going to Wales was only a small thought back in September. I seriously cannot believe that I will be in a new country by September. Sometimes when I feel down about myself, I have to remind myself that I literally am making my dreams come to life. I wanted to study in Wales and I took my time to apply. I think that this shows that most anything is possible. I’m still thinking there might be some mistake. That they will revoke my admittance and tell me that I will never make it anywhere. This time, because I’ve already received my diploma, my acceptance is unconditional. That makes me happy just thinking about it.

I would like to take the time to thank all the people who have made this possible. And I mean the people who really inspired me to go for it. First on my list is my mom. She encouraged me to go for it and to make the effort. If it was not for her support, I would not be making this journey across the sea. I think the next people on my list is kind of obvious if you know me. Green Day. Without their musical influence, and personal charms (wink wink) I would not be the person I am today. Lastly, I would like to thank everyone who I ever did a musical with (with the past four years.) You guys have inspired me to go live out my dream. Each and every one of you guys are talented in your own special way. Watching everyone put their hardest into something really inspired me. I know there has been a ton of drama through the years, but remember that I do care about each and every one of you in my own way.

When I graduated from college, I thought that my dreams would somehow come to life for me. I thought I wouldn’t have to go back to college to achieve my dream. I was dead wrong. I’m hoping that this upcoming school year will breath life into my dreams. I will keep you guys posted in all the life changing decisions I’ll be making this summer. Keep checking back for some amazing book related updates!

“Alienated” by Melissa Landers

Yesterday on my day off I finished a really good book. Although it had a lot of things that I felt weren’t that great, I still am interested in finishing this series. It’s called “Alienated” by Melissa Landers.

It’s about aliens that get into contact with Earth. They are called “L’eihrs.” They contact Earth with all meaning of friendliness. Meaning, they come in peace. They even, as a gesture of good faith, give the cure for cancer. So two years after the first contact, Cara Sweeting is chosen to participate in the exchange program with the L’eihrs. The exchange student is hiding something from everyone. Cara finds herself falling deeply in love with this alien, without the knowledge that he is stabbing her in the back.

First of all, I don’t really get into alien stories that much. I mean, I watch Doctor Who, but the whole alien thing sounds kind of boring for me. I mainly picked this book up because I knew that this really cool “Booktuber” read this book and liked it. So I decided to check it out.

I thought the writing was a little bit vague. We never really get a good feel for the life that these people are living. I mean too many details can get boring to read, but I’d like to be able to imagine the world in which they lived. I felt like the writing could have been more thorough. When I was reading Aelyx’s parts, I thought it all seemed like an itinerary. Cara’s perspective was no better, but at least I felt like I could connect with her.

I did like the conflict in this story. I thought the setting was imaginative. I mean, coming up with a world where aliens from outer space make contact is always fun to do. You kind of have to put your perspective on how you think people would react. It was like the days of the civil rights movement. Seriously, this part of the story was captivating. I got really mad at how people were treating these aliens.

The love story seemed too cliched, but it was compelling enough that I really could not wait for them to fall in love. I knew it was going to happen and I enjoyed the journey to get to that point. But the love story was really one of the pulling factors for me.

I could not fully believe how different the aliens were from humans. I think that the entire image of the aliens were kind of skimmed over. Again, I think there could have been a better use of description for this book.

Overall, I would give it 3.5 stars out of 5. It was compelling and fun to read, but lacked in some areas. I do have to say that the cover was really amazing. I can’t wait to read the next book, which is “Invaded.”

Again, I hope you liked my review. I will hopefully write more blog posts about my own writing and other areas of my life.

Why you just aren’t in a relationship right now

I wrote a blog post a while ago about how I have never been in a relationship. The past few weeks have taught me a lot about why I might not be even remotely ready to begin a relationship. A lot of people assume that dating is all about confidence and if you portray this well enough, a guy will surely ask you on a date. Let me tell you this. If you don’t go out anywhere, you’re never going to even meet anyone new. So stop complaining that  you can never find a guy when all you do is work and sleep. I’ve found out that even just going places alone can help build confidence. It makes me feel more independent and it gives me the opportunity to at least meet someone new. I have the whole going out part down, but meeting new people is a lot harder than it seems.

There are several people on my Facebook feed who complain way too much about not being liked and how no one wants to hang out with them. And even when I ask to hang out with them I am still met with a no. If you ever feel like no one wants to hang out with you, whenever you get asked to hang out, even if you are busy, always make it a yes. Do not turn it down because you’re tired, or it’s not exactly what you want to do. If you say yes to hanging out with more people, even if it is outside of your comfort zone, more people will want to hang out with you. I’m always up to hang out with friends.

If you are busy at the time, tell them that you are busy, but please don’t slam the door in their face, metaphorically speaking. Make it clear that you want to hang out another time.

Another thing that I wanted to talk about is how Facebook and social media is an illusion. Those people you think are having way more fun than you are only putting up the moments they think are fun and worth while. They never show the boring, minute details of their lives. I’m sure a lot of people sit at home for hours on end just watching TV. So never feel lonely when you’re just sitting home alone. And seriously, you don’t need to post every five minutes for people to know that you’re alive… or whatever. Go out and explore the world without having to make a Facebook status about it.

So far I am almost half way to my goal of 100 posts by my birthday (April 19th) and I really am excited. This blog started off as a place for reviews, but it has become so much more. I’m almost finished with the book “Horns” by Joe Hill, so I will write a book review next. I also saw the movie featuring Daniel Radcliffe. Yes, i watched the movie before I finished the book. But it is totally cool because the book is nothing like the movie. Both are equally as awesome. I am slowly making my way through my to be read pile. I would love to read ten books by the end of  this month. So I will get back to you guys shortly with short reviews for each book I read.

I just watched “Into the Woods” for the second time all the way through. Here is a really sexy picture of Chris Pine when he was doing “Agony,” the best part of the movie.

chris pine

The Mara Dyer series by Michelle Hodkin

It’s taken me several weeks to get to this, but I think I am finally ready. I am ready to tackle a review of the Mara Dyer series.

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Order of books:
– “The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer”
– “The Evolution of Mara Dyer”
– “The Retribution of Mara Dyer”

This book left me a complete wreck. It pulled you in and seriously messed with your head.

Meet Mara Dyer. A normal teen who undergoes a horrible trauma of being the only survivor of a building collapse. Her best friend, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend’s sister, all dead. Her family moves her to Florida, where she can start over and heal. But what Mara doesn’t know is that she has this really creepy ability to make things happen. Only thing is… it always involves death.

Meet Noah Shaw. The typical bad boy of the school. He likes girls… a lot. He messes with people’s head. But he is somewhat attracted to Mara Dyer. He’s brooding and kind of suicidal. He really wants to die… and he doesn’t really care how. He has a “super” power. Not going to say what kind of power, but it’s really awesome.

Noah and Shaw are both attracted to each other, but guess what? They aren’t meant to be together. They bring the destruction of the other person in their wake.

What I really thought was a pull factor for this book was the fact that it talked about how the main character is not always the good guy. You follow Mara around, but is she really the victim? Think about every protagonist in the history of fiction. Most main characters are the good guys. They’re fighting to prove themselves the innocent. But with this story, we don’t have a cookie cutter character. She is as messed up as they come. You want to believe that some institution is making her like this, that it’s all because of some crazy drug. But the real truth is that it’s all her. She is as wicked as they come… in a sense. I mean sure, she does have that “I want to be saved” kind of mentality, but for the most part, she becomes her power. She becomes a jaded person, and even her love for Noah can’t help the fact that she is a black plague in this world.

The things that I thought were kind of cliched and boring are very small. I don’t know about you, but I’m fed up with the line, “she let go of the breathe she didn’t know she was holding.” That is literature suicide. If you want your work to be taken seriously,  never use that term. It feels lazy and unimaginative. However, this did not altogether dissuade me from liking the book.

In another blog post I mentioned about use of the body. I didn’t feel as into the character as I would have liked to be. Meaning that I didn’t feel what was happening to the character. In film you can see the character physically get hurt, but in fiction, you have to paint the picture. I’m sure the character had some thoughts about being in her own skin. Take getting up for example. There are several sensations by that movement alone. Try writing down how it feels to walk out of bed and go about your daily lives. I’m sure you’re aware of your body as some point.

Overall I would give this series a 4.5/5. I enjoyed being pulled into the world of Mara Dyer. I hope everyone out there takes my recommendation and start reading it. I would actually love to see this put into a film.

Blind Progress: a writing piece

So over the years, I have noticed an improvement in my writing abilities. I could formulate sentences better than when I was younger. I think the thing that really stuck with me over the years is what I like to call “blind progress.” Mainly what this is, is the brain’s inability to notice when something you have done over and over again has changed. You’re incapable of even realizing how much you’ve changed until you’ve grown older. And yes, that is exactly what growing up feels like.

When I was younger I always feared that my writing sucked. And that no matter what I did, I would never sound as amazing as other writers. It has taken me my entire high school and college careers combined to realize that I have a voice. My voice might not sound as sophisticated as any of my classmates, but it’s mine. Of course no one can hear the way I sound in my head.

My writing skills have drastically improved from stating the obvious, to telling a story. I think what makes a bad storyteller and a good storyteller is the ability to not “state the obvious” but to paint a picture. Look around you for a second. Think about the placement of the furniture around you. Obviously the desk is in front of the window, with the chair placed right next to it. That is stating the obvious. But if you can paint a picture to the reader without stating the obvious, then you’ve gotten farther than I got my first four years of high school.

So if I was to describe the scene that I’m in right now I would write it like this:

Jillian sat on her bed, thinking of what she wanted to write next. Her bookcase staring her in the face, as if to remind her every morning that she was a reader. She would always be different. And that was okay. Her body seems relaxed in her position on the bed. Clothes, shoes and unopened letters litter the small open space on her floor. The room is small, but cozy, with enough space for a desk by the window and a TV by the door. Jillian spends many nights wondering if it matters whether or not her room is clean. She worries that maybe she’s isolated herself for way too long.

And that was an example of something that I would consider to be an improvement from how I used to write.

I started this blog post wanting to get across the idea that writing is an ever changing process. I may not have published anything, but I do know how to write. I would write something a little more in depth about this, but I feel like I’ve already gotten my point across with my other post. I will write a review for the Mara Dyer series next. =)

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Here’s a picture with my friend Erin from a few years ago.

Paying more attention to writing than singing

I’m terrible at keeping a momentum up for my writing. I find myself watching endless hours of mindless TV to pass the time. This does not help at all with the overwhelming sensation that I’ve somehow come to a stand still in my life. There are a bunch of possibilities in which my life will turn out great. And another infinite possibilities that it will all be a failure. So no matter which angle you look at it, there is an equal amount of failure and success. But do we know what a success is when we are staring at it in the face? I highly doubt it.

These past few weeks have been really hard for me. I’ve had to deal with the fact that I won’t have a musical to fall back on. I was always comforted by the fact that I was either rehearsing for a musical, or actually performing the musical. Now that it’s over, I have to sit back and think about what I really want in life.

So what do I want in life? To be honest, I’ve never really felt a huge want in my life. I have always just felt like, “oh that sounds fun. Lets try that.” And then when it’s done, I kind of go back to my indifferent mood. I know it’s possible to want a whole array of things, but what I want in this life is to want one thing and to stick with it. It’s been a hard decision and one I can only make for myself. But I want to pursue writing. I have all these ideas in my head that I want to write down and I really need to focus on that for a while. And maybe it won’t happen just yet, but at least I know I’ll be in the right direction.

Which is why I am going to say this. I am not doing any musicals or plays for a while. I need to be in an environment where people aren’t always stabbing people in the back and starting drama. I’ve worked with a bunch of actors and actresses over the past two years and while there have been some great people, there have also been some bad people who make me want to pull my hair out. While I may be a little out there and crazy, I am also a very introverted kind of person. I like my alone time.

I will tell you here and now. I am no actress. I have little confidence in myself and sometimes that is really crippling when it comes to finding jobs or even friends. Although I will tell you it hurts when someone tells you straight up that you are not good enough for a lead part. I totally called them an asshole to their face. One point for Jillian!  Anyways, my decision isn’t permanent, but for now I’m laying low in the performing scene. I will still be open to seeing people perform, but I won’t actively try to be a part of a musical.

Oh and guess what???? I’m trying to study abroad. I didn’t get to do it in high school or in college so I thought it would be a great time to do it.

It’s nearing Christmas time!!! I’m super excited! I love Christmas. I love the smell of Christmas. And the good cheer. What I want for Christmas is a DSLR camera so I can take better pictures of myself and other objects of interest. It also takes video so that will be a cool component of my present. I would also love to go to the Supernatural convention.

Anyways, I hope everyone enjoys their holidays and I hope you guys stay tune for more holiday posts.

rapunzel omg sexy sketch

Why me??? Why me???

Why is it that terrible people can find someone to love and I can never truly catch a break? Am I not attractive enough? Come on! There are people much bigger than I am who are getting together with people. And why should I even care? I guess to answer that question, maybe I should look inside myself and try to love myself. But so many other people who think they are a piece of trash find someone right away. Every time I somehow think someone is into me, it all falls down the drain. Cause guess what? They weren’t really that into me. I know that maybe I should pursue better people and that I should stop waiting for the guy. But how many hints do I have to drop? I’m friggin’ interested!

Anyways, besides my little rant about my non existent love life, I really don’t have enough to say. I’m so exhausted from working all week. I essentially only had one day off this week since I am in a musical and had to perform on Sunday. Plus, I’m sick and I really can’t rest. And my sleep deprived mind wants me to talk about this topic that I’ve been dreading talking about since I left work. I don’t want to seem bitter or angry, since what I say here may cost me a job. But here it goes.

I got a raise… finally. After working at the movie theaters for two and a half years, I got a decent raise. I had one raise of 15 cents before the minimum wage increased to $9. I was supposed to have three other raises, but those never went into effect. So today the GM told me I got a raise that was effective from last Friday. Of 50 cents. But here’s the thing I’m kind of mad about. A co worker, who is male, got a raise of 75 cents… and he’s only worked at the theater for only three months. Tell me how that is even fair? Maybe he has shown me up in workmanship. But the GM knows my predicament. So he should at least compensate and maybe have given me the same amount of wage increase. I would hate to find out that it’s because I’m a girl. Actually…. the blow would hurt less if that was the case. Because I already hate myself for being such a lazy ass.

I didn’t want to talk about this because apparently future employers look at all social media in order to determine whether or not you are a good employee. Which sort of sucks, because that is censoring any revolutionary bone you have in your body. Sometimes it’s okay to rant about troubles at work. No job is perfect.

Anyways, I recently got an internship as a Blog Extraordinaire for Super Interns. It’s not paid, but any experience works. I’m nervous, because what if I’m not up to it? I’m a lazy writer who wants the rewards without the work. Which is why I love performing because at least then I feel like I’m doing something. Before I get into performing, if you are looking for an internship, go to http://www.superinterns.com.

Since I didn’t get into How To Succeed or Hairspray, it looks like I’ll be spending the next three months with nothing but work. I try to convince myself that it’s a chance to maybe put out some more resumes and gain more experience, but who am I kidding? I’m extremely disappointed that I won’t be in a musical after this run of High Spirits. I am so afraid of the ending of this musical that I really have to stop and take a deep breathe whenever I think about it. I will prevail though. I haven’t always been so extremely engrossed in musicals. I used to excel at doing nothing.

Now that I got that off my chest, everything feels a whole lot better. I hope everyone else is doing good. I hope to finish the Doctor Who book soon, so I can write my review.

jillian

Here was my headshot for Pirates of Penzance. Taken by Michael Lodick.

Depression talks

Depression can be hard. You can go through your day having the time of your life, then it can just hit you like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I wonder if I’m worth the fuss. It doesn’t seem like anybody goes out of their way to hang out with me. I’m not first on anybody’s list, but mine. Am I so selfish that nobody wants to think about me??? I don’t know if that makes sense world, but it does to me. If you want to read a blog about uplifting rants about how to overcome depression, well you have wasted your time. I have gone about three years pretending that I don’t have depression anymore. But who am I fooling? I sat in my bed all night thinking about how I could literally just go days without talking to anybody but my mom and sisters… all because no one seems to think of me. What good is having a phone when you barely use it for communicating?

One thing that I think might help with depression is actually getting what I need to say out there in the world. So here is my unabridged version of my life. No holds back… except for some things along the way.

I’ve been going to therapy recently. I have so far only been to one session, since it only happens once a month. But the act of trying to seek help is working for me. Every time I think about it, it makes me kind of happy to know that I’m on my way to recovery.

So today I went to see a few friends in a production of “West Side Story.” I’m going to say it because I’m sure there are plenty of people who have felt like this. After the show, when I was saying hi to the people I know, part of me, a very small part of me, thought they were only faking being happy to see me. Which is crazy because I know they do like me. But when you’re depressed, these feelings come blasting through my mind like a freight train. I’m the kind of person who likes to be around people for a short amount of time, then spend hours by myself to recharge. I think I may have upset my mom because I went straight to my room when we got home. I’ve done that so many times in the past and every time my mom seems to kind of get resentful. I’m not sure how to explain that I need space sometimes to just be by myself… and not feel guilty about it.

I’ve read somewhere that patterns of speech are side effects of depression. You either speak rather fastly, or slowly. I tend to mumble my words and words don’t come out right when I say them. I used to wish that it was just because I’ve had some kind of small stroke or something. Because then at least it’s a little bit fixable. I’m just crazy.

They say writing can help clear the brain. Well I’m not sure if I entirely believe that. I really should just pick a day to sit and write. Doesn’t matter what, but it’s got to just flow. Maybe I’ll turn that novel that I’m writing into a play. Maybe that will help me visualize what is going on. Maybe it will make more sense as a play. That would actually be pretty cool to make it a play and then turn it in somewhere.

My parents have been wanting me to go back to school to get my master’s degree. But I don’t want to do it because of them. And now it feels like I’m thinking about it because they are forcing me to. My dad gets benefits because he’s a veteran so I can get a discount. But the truth is, I don’t really know if I want to get a master’s in English. Or even Creative Writing. What if I wanted to get a master’s in Theater Arts? I guess I could try that, but that would be harder since I didn’t major in that. I need some solid advice on whether or not I should do it. I just want to get a good job right now that will allow me to move out and pay all my bills. That way I can help fund my novel and start up my publishing company. Which I’m calling “Origins: a publishing company.”