Pardon the lack of posts

If you truly knew me, you would know that I have been suffering from depression. Typically, I would want to hide it and tell the world that I am perfectly normal. Unfortunately for me, that is not the case. Within the last few years, I have struggled with trying to allow these feelings to be noticeable to my close friends. Plus, if you know me, I only have a very select group of “close friends.” For me, it all started with the “Always Keep Fighting” campaign that has been supported by Jared Padaleki and the Supernatural family. With each passing campaign, I got more inspired to speak out about my mental illness.

There is no rhyme or reason to depression. It comes and goes. It’s like the waves of the ocean, if I can use the most cliched imagery in the book. You could’ve had the best childhood known to man. And you still could be plagued with thoughts of depression. I’m going to quote myself in this example.

The best way to describe depression is the feeling of nothingness. Or maybe free falling is best suited. Imagine you’re falling through a black pit, where the sun and everything happy is right above you. You try and try, but you can’t seem to get to the sunshine. And don’t forget the invisible hands pulling you down further into the pit of darkness.

Probably not the most poetic example, but you get the gist.

I’ve wanted to keep my blogs up this year. I wanted the world to see how I could write and get people engaged. However, because of my resubmission, and some hickups in my own life, I have made a snail’s progress in this regard.

On a kind of side note, I do have to make note about how sometimes the form you write on can be a huge motivator. I recently got a new MacBook and all I want to do is write on it.

There was a good month or so last year where I was giving motivational speeches to my best friend because she was dealing with a lot of depression. I have found that I am the biggest hypocrite ever. I’ve let the attention of guys and others to control how I feel about my self worth. I constantly apologize for things I feel that I have done wrong. When in reality, it wasn’t my issue to apologize for.

What I want people to get out of this post is that depression sucks, but there are people out there who can help you. I’ve become such an expert on motivational speeches, I feel like I should get a job as a therapist. Or a motivational speaker who basically talks out of their ass.

I will continue to post more, because that is what I like doing. I want to discuss more literary devices and different forms of characters in my next post, so get ready for that. Thanks for reading and I hope that if you’re going through depression, please reach out to someone. I’m sure someone can either relate, or is willing to listen. Also remember that it is a two way street.

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Always keep fighting: Depression awareness

I guess cause I have yet to get to 100 posts by my birthday, I will try to write more posts. I want to bring up a topic that is precious to me. Depression. I feel like most of our society has it, but we are told to keep it hidden. Depression isn’t something you can really stop overnight. It’s a feeling that overwhelms you and you really cannot shake it. It’s not just the effect of being sad. It’s like the world is driving pins in you that you really cannot get out of.

I’ve posted a while ago about depression, and I wanted to clarify something. While we should never try to stifle the discussion on depression, we should always be conscientious about what we are putting out there on the internet. I’ve sat through a day of Facebook and have seen several different people sometimes posting really negative posts about themselves. Some would even go as far as saying how they hate themselves and how they have no friends.

While it sucks to not have all the moral support out there, maybe you should check to see why some people don’t listen to you. There is literally only so much you can say to a person when they are feeling sorry for themselves. I’ve seen cases where someone threatens to take their own life several times, and people end up giving up on that person because it all seems like a cry for attention. There are different ways to get people to understand your pain. Also, just because you are depressed does not give you the right to make fun or pick on someone else.

I’m not saying this out of hate or anger. I’m saying it from someone who has been there. Sometimes you can’t see past your bedroom door, but there are people who care about you. It is no use trying to get a pity party out of everyone. Do you want to be the one always associated with being the one with low self esteem? We all have self esteem issues. Social media should not be the place to have your pity party. Employers actually do look at what you put on social media… so you know.

I bought the Represent T-shirt that Jared Padalecki was selling because I wanted to join in the fight to create awareness about depression. I’ve been there. And I know it’s not going to go away for me. So I fight for myself, so that I can be a healthy, happy girl. Regardless of my environment, I’m going to try to live a happy, stress free life. Don’t stress over the small stuff and everything will be fine.

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Depression talks

Depression can be hard. You can go through your day having the time of your life, then it can just hit you like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I wonder if I’m worth the fuss. It doesn’t seem like anybody goes out of their way to hang out with me. I’m not first on anybody’s list, but mine. Am I so selfish that nobody wants to think about me??? I don’t know if that makes sense world, but it does to me. If you want to read a blog about uplifting rants about how to overcome depression, well you have wasted your time. I have gone about three years pretending that I don’t have depression anymore. But who am I fooling? I sat in my bed all night thinking about how I could literally just go days without talking to anybody but my mom and sisters… all because no one seems to think of me. What good is having a phone when you barely use it for communicating?

One thing that I think might help with depression is actually getting what I need to say out there in the world. So here is my unabridged version of my life. No holds back… except for some things along the way.

I’ve been going to therapy recently. I have so far only been to one session, since it only happens once a month. But the act of trying to seek help is working for me. Every time I think about it, it makes me kind of happy to know that I’m on my way to recovery.

So today I went to see a few friends in a production of “West Side Story.” I’m going to say it because I’m sure there are plenty of people who have felt like this. After the show, when I was saying hi to the people I know, part of me, a very small part of me, thought they were only faking being happy to see me. Which is crazy because I know they do like me. But when you’re depressed, these feelings come blasting through my mind like a freight train. I’m the kind of person who likes to be around people for a short amount of time, then spend hours by myself to recharge. I think I may have upset my mom because I went straight to my room when we got home. I’ve done that so many times in the past and every time my mom seems to kind of get resentful. I’m not sure how to explain that I need space sometimes to just be by myself… and not feel guilty about it.

I’ve read somewhere that patterns of speech are side effects of depression. You either speak rather fastly, or slowly. I tend to mumble my words and words don’t come out right when I say them. I used to wish that it was just because I’ve had some kind of small stroke or something. Because then at least it’s a little bit fixable. I’m just crazy.

They say writing can help clear the brain. Well I’m not sure if I entirely believe that. I really should just pick a day to sit and write. Doesn’t matter what, but it’s got to just flow. Maybe I’ll turn that novel that I’m writing into a play. Maybe that will help me visualize what is going on. Maybe it will make more sense as a play. That would actually be pretty cool to make it a play and then turn it in somewhere.

My parents have been wanting me to go back to school to get my master’s degree. But I don’t want to do it because of them. And now it feels like I’m thinking about it because they are forcing me to. My dad gets benefits because he’s a veteran so I can get a discount. But the truth is, I don’t really know if I want to get a master’s in English. Or even Creative Writing. What if I wanted to get a master’s in Theater Arts? I guess I could try that, but that would be harder since I didn’t major in that. I need some solid advice on whether or not I should do it. I just want to get a good job right now that will allow me to move out and pay all my bills. That way I can help fund my novel and start up my publishing company. Which I’m calling “Origins: a publishing company.”

Depression and Writing

Depression is a bitch. It really is. I’ve recently started seeing a psychologist. I’m unsure if it will help, but we can hope. Almost every teenager has dealt with depression in their lives. Yet, it is a topic that some people choose to not talk about. Especially when it comes to family. No one wants to admit that they are feeling sad. Especially when the reason is your family. Well, part of the reason.

I’m an awkward person. It’s hard for me to make and keep friends. I tend to suck at small talk, but can talk for hours about the reasons why we are alive. When I start writing, I like to discuss the big abstract ideas, rather than the small minute details. When I’m talking to anyone and they’re actually listening, I tend to get sweaty and teary eyed. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m some put together 22 year old who knows what she wants out of life. I’m not. I spend hours worrying that I’m not doing enough with my life. And that somehow I won’t get anything in order.

My original intend for this blog post was to discuss how depression really effects my writing habits, but somehow, it went astray. I don’t spend that much time editing any of my posts and so sometimes things come out in a haste. I need to work on this. Yet, you guys are getting first hand perspective on how my mind works and how I’m trying to improve on my writing skills.

Question: how does depression hinder or help your writing?