I’m terrible at keeping a momentum up for my writing. I find myself watching endless hours of mindless TV to pass the time. This does not help at all with the overwhelming sensation that I’ve somehow come to a stand still in my life. There are a bunch of possibilities in which my life will turn out great. And another infinite possibilities that it will all be a failure. So no matter which angle you look at it, there is an equal amount of failure and success. But do we know what a success is when we are staring at it in the face? I highly doubt it.
These past few weeks have been really hard for me. I’ve had to deal with the fact that I won’t have a musical to fall back on. I was always comforted by the fact that I was either rehearsing for a musical, or actually performing the musical. Now that it’s over, I have to sit back and think about what I really want in life.
So what do I want in life? To be honest, I’ve never really felt a huge want in my life. I have always just felt like, “oh that sounds fun. Lets try that.” And then when it’s done, I kind of go back to my indifferent mood. I know it’s possible to want a whole array of things, but what I want in this life is to want one thing and to stick with it. It’s been a hard decision and one I can only make for myself. But I want to pursue writing. I have all these ideas in my head that I want to write down and I really need to focus on that for a while. And maybe it won’t happen just yet, but at least I know I’ll be in the right direction.
Which is why I am going to say this. I am not doing any musicals or plays for a while. I need to be in an environment where people aren’t always stabbing people in the back and starting drama. I’ve worked with a bunch of actors and actresses over the past two years and while there have been some great people, there have also been some bad people who make me want to pull my hair out. While I may be a little out there and crazy, I am also a very introverted kind of person. I like my alone time.
I will tell you here and now. I am no actress. I have little confidence in myself and sometimes that is really crippling when it comes to finding jobs or even friends. Although I will tell you it hurts when someone tells you straight up that you are not good enough for a lead part. I totally called them an asshole to their face. One point for Jillian! Anyways, my decision isn’t permanent, but for now I’m laying low in the performing scene. I will still be open to seeing people perform, but I won’t actively try to be a part of a musical.
Oh and guess what???? I’m trying to study abroad. I didn’t get to do it in high school or in college so I thought it would be a great time to do it.
It’s nearing Christmas time!!! I’m super excited! I love Christmas. I love the smell of Christmas. And the good cheer. What I want for Christmas is a DSLR camera so I can take better pictures of myself and other objects of interest. It also takes video so that will be a cool component of my present. I would also love to go to the Supernatural convention.
Anyways, I hope everyone enjoys their holidays and I hope you guys stay tune for more holiday posts.